Do we have a voice?

Yesterday I dropped the youngest three off to help their dad move into the new house he bought with his lover. I did some grocery shopping and then met a couple of friends for lunch. The kids were slated to work for their dad for the rest of the day and then have dinner with him before heading home. He was paying them for their work; one of the girls owed him money for camp but the other two kids were expecting to get some sweet cash.

During lunch I got several calls in quick succession from my son's cell phone. I didn't answer, but then got a text from my daughter in Seattle saying that my youngest daughter needed me because her dad was "being a bad word." Lunch was pretty much over, so I said my goodbyes and left to call the kids.

Apparently the kids' dad neglected to tell them that his lover would be working with them. The two girls don't want to interact with her right now, which they had made clear to their dad a few months ago. When the kids arrived at their dad's apartment, and saw she was there, the youngest daughter stayed in the car. When they went to the new house, the lover stayed at the apartment to pack more of the kids' dad's stuff.

Hence the call from the new house to me from the youngest in tears, stating that she didn't know what to do. She wanted the money her dad was going to give her, but it was coming at a price she didn't want to pay. We talked for awhile, and I talked with her sister who felt obligated to stay because she owed her dad the money. I suggested that the youngest ask her dad to stop working for a few minutes in order to talk this out with her. Unfortunately, at that moment, the lover arrived and everything fell apart. I told the youngest to get in the car with her siblings and meet me in town. I also told the other daughter that she had to come home. We would sort this out and then regroup with a decision about what to do next.

On the way home, the girls talked about what had happened. They felt their dad wasn't going to change, that he expected them to adapt; he stated that they knew he and the lover had bought a house as if that made his disregard of their feelings OK.

Later that night, one daughter climbed into my bed and cried. She said she felt she was losing her dad. A peacemaker, when she saw the angry expression on the lover's face, she had tried to comfort her by saying they didn't hate her, all the while having a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. The lover told her that she came over to the new house when the kids were there to show them that "she wasn't the bad guy in this." My daughter felt confused by that statement, and like the rest of us, confused about her feelings. We talked for a long time and then she went to sleep in my bed.

Shit. I question whether I did the right thing in telling the girls they had to come home. I don't know if there was a "right thing." We all want healing, but we all need to do that in healthy ways. The kids told their dad they didn't want to interact with the lover yet, and he and the lover forced the issue. Do I tell my girls to suck it up and deal with it? Or do I tell them that they can leave if they are feeling panicky or deeply hurt?

When I was their age, and shitty things were going down, I had no one who saw me, who heard my pain, who protected me and said "You are worthy of rescue and safety." I sucked it up and dealt with it; and spent many years in recovery. I became a dysfunctional co-dependent survivor. I don't want this for my own children. I want them to know that I see them, that I hear their pain, and that they can ask to be rescued. Feeling powerless is a super shitty place to be in. I want them to know that they aren't powerless, that they have a voice, and that they know intuitively what is right and what is wrong because God's Spirit lives inside them.

My children have a wonderful support system in each other. The youngest knew she could call her sister and her sister would be there for her. They all know that their siblings have their back. They have been through hell and their bond is strong. I am thankful and grateful to God for this love that they have.

Did I do that right thing? I think so. I want the kids to know that they don't have to swallow who they are in order to make their dad or the lover or me feel OK when we make wrong choices that hurt them. I want my kids to know that what they think and feel is of worth and importance. I want them to know that they are of inestimable value to God, and that He has given them intuitive spirits that know the truth.

It doesn't matter that we are going to get through this; we are. What does matter is how we get through it. Do we lie, trying to make everyone else feel OK, while shattering inside? Or do we get through it intact by being truthful, saying hard things and drawing hard lines? I think we are choosing to be on the path of truth, painful as it is.