Walking down the aisle

We are going to have a wedding in the family. I am super excited about this. I found out right before Christmas about the engagement and I was thrilled. After many long years of hard stuff in our lives, this signals for me a turning of the tide.

It is going to be an interesting journey to get to the other side of the wedding. My mom, who is recovering from breast cancer and dealing with some lymph-edema in her arm, will be riding with my brother and his wife and kids in their suburban. The younger set would like to drive almost non-stop from Houston to Eastern Oregon but Mom does not. Honestly, who would? I think that it isn't good for her health to force her into such an undertaking. How to help her talk to my brother about taking four days to drive with sleep overnight, that is the question. Is it my job to advocate for her? Or hers alone?

Second interesting part is my former husband's desire to bring his lover and her 90 year old mom (also dealing with breast cancer.) No one wants him to bring her or them. And I mean no one. But if the bride and groom agree to it, then the rest of us will honor their decision.

When I first learned that this was a possibility, I wanted to cry. I did cry. I didn't sleep well that night and then I cried some more. And came down with a horrible cold. I think my immune system is expressing what I haven't and probably won't to the ex. That he is a bastard, that I hate him on some level, and that he is so utterly clueless about how his actions affect others that he simply doesn't see how much he has wounded the rest of us. I just keep blowing my nose, sucking on sore throat drops and drinking chicken soup.

My body knows what my mind doesn't seem able to say. That I need to care for me. That I need to hunker down for a bit, cancel everything on my calendar and hide out. And that I need the solace of quiet, rest, nurture and peace. Time alone to process and to be with the Lord. To tell God that I am hurt, that this is shitty, and that I will need a lot of strength and courage to walk into the land of healing if the lover and her mom come to the wedding.

But maybe what I also need is to not let this rob me of my joy about my daughter getting married. To rise above the hate, the hurt, the anger and the frustration I feel and to focus on all the good stuff that is happening in the lives of my children and in my life. I am so blessed to be the mom of seven fabulous children and soon to add another son into the mix. I know I will cry if the lover and her mom do decide to go to the wedding. I know that I will think all sorts of nasty thoughts prior to the big day. I know I will want to act selfishly and cuss and that I will imagine all sorts of devious acts or wicked words to say. And I know that I will do none of the things I imagine I would like to do.

Abba (my word for God the Father), Abba - I know that if I just come hunker down with You, drink my soup, put my head on Your chest and listen to Your heartbeat, I will get to the other side of this in great shape. I don't want to be a selfish, devious, ungrateful, pouting woman. I want to be the woman You made me to be. Help me to remember my power, my voice, my destiny in You which far exceeds petty thoughts and broken hearts. Thank You that all my feelings are safe with You. All of them.