Consequences

Saturday night was crazy. I was out of sorts already, but didn't realize it; I was simply numbed out to the emotions that were rolling around inside of me, but still driven by those feelings. And all they said was, get away.

I decided to watch a quiet movie when my oldest daughter called to talk. I knew we wouldn't have another chance for a week, so I stopped the movie to visit with her. I felt hemmed in at home, and decided to talk with her while I ran to the store for milk. I let the kids know I was leaving, but a few minutes down the road my daughter had to hang up. I decided to avoid responsibility at home; on impulse I took off down the freeway to see the big fire that had been burning at the local lumber mill. That was my first mistake. I left those rowdy kids home alone. Later I learned that they had been wrestling, and when one jumped on another's back, they fell into a wall. Now there is a body sized dent that will have to be sheetrocked and textured.

However, the fire was so incredible. I had to share it with the kids so I called them to meet me in town. My plan was to drive them to see the fire, then head back to town to get the other car. They met me in town as planned and we oohed and aahed over the huge fire. However, on the way back, I realized that no one had put the food away from dinner and the dog was in the house. That was my second mistake. While we were out, that rowdy dog put her huge paws on my new lovely center island table, gobbled up all the shredded pork, and scratched up my lovely table. Now I will have to sand it down and refinish it, or live with the deep scratches.

I was pretty mad after seeing the large hole in the wall and the table scratches. I gave the kids their jobs to do, and was heading down to watch my movie when my daughter-in-law called. She doesn't call very often so I opted to stop the movie and talk privately in my room. That was my third mistake. The kids were still a bit rowdy while they cleaned the kitchen and made cocoa. There was a glass pie plate on a burner, and when one of them decided to heat up the water for cocoa...they turned on the wrong burner. A few minutes later there was a huge crash. The pie plate had exploded all over the kitchen. No one was hurt but glass was everywhere.

The question I often ask my children is, "What did we learn from this experience?" Now I ask it of myself. Yes, I should have not procrastinated; I should have helped with clean up, ensured all the food was away, and that all the dishes were done prior to leaving. I should have waited to go see the fire until I had invited everyone to join me. I should have waited patiently for the right time to leave the house, instead of thinking I could escape without caring for everyone.

What do I do when this part of me that is stressed out from being responsible for other people, this part of me that hides from the pain of my situation or just gets lazy, this part of me that just forgets that I am in charge, when this part of me takes over? I don't often allow this impulsive crazy part of me be in charge; I know it won't yield good fruit but will only create more chaos. I realize that I am in major escape mode. I see it in what I eat, in that I am not sleeping well, in my desire to just forget that I have to figure it all out on my own now.

There is a place in me that can be quiet, can focus, can plan and can succeed. I just sometimes forget about it.

Father, help me to remember You when I feel so crazy inside. Remember Your patience, remember not to lose sight of the prize, and to be kind to myself as I am still growing and learning. Help me remember I don't need to have all the answers, I don't have to figure it all out. And that mistakes are not what define me any more than my successes. It is You who define me. For eternity I am Yours. Thank you.

Letting go

My soon-to-be former husband came over today to help with getting a load of hay in, take our son and a friend to work at the fair, and to pick up our two youngest daughters for a day with him. Why, after all the heartache and time of being separated, do I still miss him, his friendship, his laughter? I know that our marriage could not continue as it was, but after thirty years of being friends and lovers, parents and partners, there is a significant part of me that still gets caught in the grieving.
I know he has turned to another woman; he says because I don't want to live the rest of my life with him, that now he has someone else who does. I know that is a victim statement, blaming me for what he would not seek to restore himself. I know that my own health is dependent on freedom from a relationship with him that was destroying me. But still...the grief continues.
Perhaps it is days like these, where there is so much to do, where I need a partner and friend to talk to, to work with side-by-side, these are the days when I feel so lonely. Lost. Without a companion to talk about the pain I feel for my children, for myself, for our lives. Days when I wish I could just talk about the pain and cry, find comfort in the solace of another.
I question why I continue to feel so tired, why I no longer have the energy I need to be the supermom I was. I simply feel exhausted, achy, overwhelmed. I crave being alone, sitting on my porch or patio, listening to the wind or the soft animal sounds, not really doing anything at all. I feel ashamed to be this way, tired without excuse. And yet I am. Tired. Without excuse.
I know the dreams I dream, the hopes I have. Do I still dream? Do I still hope? It takes so much energy to keep moving forward, to keep dreaming and hoping when on days like these, my tears fall and my life seems to be in tatters all around me.
Father God, You who made me to be in relationship with You, to be Your child and Your friend. You see who I am, my smallness and my insignificance. You know my heart which desires to love You, to serve You, to do great things for You. You know how hard it is today to hope, to hang on to the dreams, to believe in that beautiful future You have shown me is mine. Father, take my sorrow which mingles with self-pity, take my broken heart which has mingled with sin, take my dreams and hopes which are from You and for You. Sift away what isn't of worth and mold the rest into an offering from my heart to Yours. Amen.

Getting Started

I am new to blogging. In fact, this is my first entry. I have been looking for a place to express myself in and through writing and reflecting. I hope to find an audience who will take what I say with a grain of salt, who will perhaps be blessed by what I write, or will walk away with an insight they didn't have before. Bottom line...this blog's for me. But I hope that whoever reads it will find it is for them as well.
I know that some of the things I post here will be controversial, very personal, perhaps even upsetting. I am going to work at being OK with that, at being OK with putting my heart out here for people to see, to read and to have a different opinion about.
So here goes....blogging....blog on.