More on Voice and Power

Two months ago I met with a friend who admonished me saying, "God has given you power and a voice - you need to use it. What's stopping you?" We talked about how I felt afraid of men, of their opinion of me, of their power; that I usually don't speak up in groups of men because I have already assumed that they have judged me to be old, not smart, have nothing to add, etc. Those are actually either my own judgments or the voice from the pit.

Around the same time another person, a man who is a sometimes mentor, told me that I was incredibly competent but not very confident. That for me, developing confidence was important as a next step in professional and spiritual development.

Then, earlier this week, I received an group e-mail from the head of a large missionary organization; he spoke about the quality men he and his board had just hired to be in senior leadership roles nationally and internationally. As I read it I thought, "Where are all the women?" It troubled me that in an organization that is evangelical, ministers to men and women alike and states it is for women in leadership, that no women were placed in these positions. I decided to respond back to this man.

I wrote a lengthy e-mail stating that while it was great that he had found quality men for these leadership positions, I didn't see any women being chosen. I talked about my roles in his organization in the past, about my daughters roles; but that though we adore his organization, I cannot recommend that my daughters choose this organization for long-term professional employment. I questioned him as to why women aren't being found to fill these roles, and why even at lower levels in the organization women are few and far between. I was pretty strong in my wording. Not flip but definitely challenging his choices.

Before I sent the e-mail I had another woman who has been in this organization for many years read it. She loved it, said it was great, and that I should send it. So, with a great deal of trepidation, I did. After all, if I am going to learn to use my voice I am going to have to risk speaking out.

An hour after I sent it, I got a response from the head of the organization. He stated he was sorry I felt the way I did. Then he wrote a paragraph defending his hiring practices, telling me the names of all seven (out of many more positions that have been available) of the women he had promoted into senior roles in leadership during his tenure (one of whom he later fired and one who had been hired to replace another woman had passed away). Then he wished me well. End of story. He laid the smack down and shut the door on further communication.

At first I felt horribly embarrassed. What was I thinking to even contact this man? What if he sent the e-mail on to others? What if I have to meet him? He must be so angry and think I am a total bozo. I debated whether or not I should apologize for having a strong opinion, for writing him on a Friday when he is probably really tired, even for being my being a woman in the first place.

I felt like crying, assuming that God was mad at me, too. I felt like I should tuck in my tail and never do anything bold like that again. I was a bad girl to think such things and even badder for expressing them. Shit.

Fortunately, in the midst of my panic and shame, my wonderful middle son called. I gave a quick run-down on what I was feeling and he strongly suggested I not apologize, not back down, and stop feeling bad for having expressed a strong opinion. He sweetly told me I was a beautiful woman and that the other person was a completely sexist idiot (or words to that effect.)

After we got off the phone I deleted my groveling apologizing-for-being-a-woman e-mail and went to the store for Soy Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream, Asian Chicken, and a bamboo cutting board that came with Gouda, Salami and Crackers. I ate dinner with my two youngest daughters who also have my back and are also learning to have a voice. We watched a movie and then I studied Bonhoeffer.

Now that I have slept and had some coffee, I continue to process what happened. It makes me sad on multiple levels. I want to cry for myself that it hurts so much when my voice and my power get shut down by a man who has tons of power and voice. I think of all the years I didn't speak up, and how I suffered from it, and that I suffer now in the learning. I think about my daughters and sons who are being empowered by me and others who love them to speak up, to use the voice God gave each of them, to say "No!" to injustice and "Yes!" to freedom. It makes me want to cry to know that they have suffered much, yet I rejoice that they are rising above that suffering to be quality men and women who will fight for justice and mercy in this world.

Can I forgive myself for speaking up and getting hurt, for being a woman who is messy in her learning? Can I forgive this powerful man for shutting me down so coldly? Can I continue to fight for women of all ages to use their power and their voice to bring healing to themselves and others? If I see this man in the future will I be able to stand up strong, knowing that he may have a negative opinion of me, or worse, might speak to me or regard me coldly and move on? Will I be OK in the messiness of learning to speak up, or am I going to chicken out, quit being a woman in leadership, and get a job at Wal-Mart?

Today, I don't know. Being a chicken looks pretty good. But if I cave, if I faint in a land of peace, what's going to happen when the battle heats up? Who's going to stand in the gap for my daughters and sons and others like them if women like me give up our voice and our power?