I spoke with my son today about the possibility of his dad's lover coming to the wedding. Afterward I felt dirty, disgusted with myself. How do I be honest with my children about what is happening in my life and theirs without feeling like a tattle tale? They want to know, but I don't like to be the one who tells. I wondered if I was being passive aggressive, attempting to rally all my offspring on my side against their father. What a cheap and unkind thing to do. In honest confession, I think there is a part of me that is wanting to do that, wanting all of them to say he's a bastard and to shun him.
But is that what I really want?
What I really want is for someone, or many someones, to validate my pain. To understand my sorrow. To say I am right and he was wrong. To say that I deserve the good and he deserves the bad. I want vindication.
But there is something else beneath that.
I want to be free. Free from wanting vindication, free from wanting validation, free from wanting to be right or deserving of good. I want to be free from the past, from all of it, and I want the freedom to move forward.
My friend John said that my children's father and I will be forever linked through them. There is no changing of that truth. And yet, what I see now, is the web that connects my individual children to each other and to me as a web of its own, with no former husband anywhere nearby. It is our own web, our own family, and we are our own entity.
If he brings his lover to the wedding, can I continue to picture that web as we celebrate my daughter's marriage and the addition of a new family member to my web?
The Lord gave me a picture last spring of a Native American ceremony in which my marriage contract was officially broken. I held a spear, which symbolized my marriage covenant, as I stood before the Lord and the father of my children. I broke the spear and the contract was over. Then the Lord and I turned to a peaceful green valley with white tee-pees in it, one for each of my children and one for me. We were our own tribe now, our own clan.
I need to be present to this change, to my former husband's relationship with his lover, their buying a home together, and the chance that she will attend the wedding. I need to be present to this challenge of accepting what is. I don't have to like it, I don't have to agree with it, I don't have to condone it in anyway. But I do have to accept it.
Can I forgive? Not yet. Can I be gracious? Not yet. Can I be welcoming? Not yet. I am glad I have a few more months to get ready, to not let this rob me of my happiness and joy, to know what I will say when the time comes to interact with the two of them.
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I love the honesty of this post. There's a day to come when you will be free of this pain. In the meantime, everyone has to go through that "first time" after a divorce when the family gathers to celebrate what is supposed to be a joyful time, but is complicated by the new relationships that inevitably enter the web--unwanted.
ReplyDeleteThanks, friend. Later that night I called my oldest son and apologized for my mixed motives. It was good to talk about it with him and to come clean. I hate it when I feel the ugliness inside of me, when I can see the ugliness of my heart and yet give into it. Gross. So glad that God forgives me and wants better for me, too.
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