Consequences

Saturday night was crazy. I was out of sorts already, but didn't realize it; I was simply numbed out to the emotions that were rolling around inside of me, but still driven by those feelings. And all they said was, get away.

I decided to watch a quiet movie when my oldest daughter called to talk. I knew we wouldn't have another chance for a week, so I stopped the movie to visit with her. I felt hemmed in at home, and decided to talk with her while I ran to the store for milk. I let the kids know I was leaving, but a few minutes down the road my daughter had to hang up. I decided to avoid responsibility at home; on impulse I took off down the freeway to see the big fire that had been burning at the local lumber mill. That was my first mistake. I left those rowdy kids home alone. Later I learned that they had been wrestling, and when one jumped on another's back, they fell into a wall. Now there is a body sized dent that will have to be sheetrocked and textured.

However, the fire was so incredible. I had to share it with the kids so I called them to meet me in town. My plan was to drive them to see the fire, then head back to town to get the other car. They met me in town as planned and we oohed and aahed over the huge fire. However, on the way back, I realized that no one had put the food away from dinner and the dog was in the house. That was my second mistake. While we were out, that rowdy dog put her huge paws on my new lovely center island table, gobbled up all the shredded pork, and scratched up my lovely table. Now I will have to sand it down and refinish it, or live with the deep scratches.

I was pretty mad after seeing the large hole in the wall and the table scratches. I gave the kids their jobs to do, and was heading down to watch my movie when my daughter-in-law called. She doesn't call very often so I opted to stop the movie and talk privately in my room. That was my third mistake. The kids were still a bit rowdy while they cleaned the kitchen and made cocoa. There was a glass pie plate on a burner, and when one of them decided to heat up the water for cocoa...they turned on the wrong burner. A few minutes later there was a huge crash. The pie plate had exploded all over the kitchen. No one was hurt but glass was everywhere.

The question I often ask my children is, "What did we learn from this experience?" Now I ask it of myself. Yes, I should have not procrastinated; I should have helped with clean up, ensured all the food was away, and that all the dishes were done prior to leaving. I should have waited to go see the fire until I had invited everyone to join me. I should have waited patiently for the right time to leave the house, instead of thinking I could escape without caring for everyone.

What do I do when this part of me that is stressed out from being responsible for other people, this part of me that hides from the pain of my situation or just gets lazy, this part of me that just forgets that I am in charge, when this part of me takes over? I don't often allow this impulsive crazy part of me be in charge; I know it won't yield good fruit but will only create more chaos. I realize that I am in major escape mode. I see it in what I eat, in that I am not sleeping well, in my desire to just forget that I have to figure it all out on my own now.

There is a place in me that can be quiet, can focus, can plan and can succeed. I just sometimes forget about it.

Father, help me to remember You when I feel so crazy inside. Remember Your patience, remember not to lose sight of the prize, and to be kind to myself as I am still growing and learning. Help me remember I don't need to have all the answers, I don't have to figure it all out. And that mistakes are not what define me any more than my successes. It is You who define me. For eternity I am Yours. Thank you.