Letting go

My soon-to-be former husband came over today to help with getting a load of hay in, take our son and a friend to work at the fair, and to pick up our two youngest daughters for a day with him. Why, after all the heartache and time of being separated, do I still miss him, his friendship, his laughter? I know that our marriage could not continue as it was, but after thirty years of being friends and lovers, parents and partners, there is a significant part of me that still gets caught in the grieving.
I know he has turned to another woman; he says because I don't want to live the rest of my life with him, that now he has someone else who does. I know that is a victim statement, blaming me for what he would not seek to restore himself. I know that my own health is dependent on freedom from a relationship with him that was destroying me. But still...the grief continues.
Perhaps it is days like these, where there is so much to do, where I need a partner and friend to talk to, to work with side-by-side, these are the days when I feel so lonely. Lost. Without a companion to talk about the pain I feel for my children, for myself, for our lives. Days when I wish I could just talk about the pain and cry, find comfort in the solace of another.
I question why I continue to feel so tired, why I no longer have the energy I need to be the supermom I was. I simply feel exhausted, achy, overwhelmed. I crave being alone, sitting on my porch or patio, listening to the wind or the soft animal sounds, not really doing anything at all. I feel ashamed to be this way, tired without excuse. And yet I am. Tired. Without excuse.
I know the dreams I dream, the hopes I have. Do I still dream? Do I still hope? It takes so much energy to keep moving forward, to keep dreaming and hoping when on days like these, my tears fall and my life seems to be in tatters all around me.
Father God, You who made me to be in relationship with You, to be Your child and Your friend. You see who I am, my smallness and my insignificance. You know my heart which desires to love You, to serve You, to do great things for You. You know how hard it is today to hope, to hang on to the dreams, to believe in that beautiful future You have shown me is mine. Father, take my sorrow which mingles with self-pity, take my broken heart which has mingled with sin, take my dreams and hopes which are from You and for You. Sift away what isn't of worth and mold the rest into an offering from my heart to Yours. Amen.